have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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