The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
