I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
