I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
