so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
where does the pee come out of this thing
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I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize