That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you never un-have a 4some
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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