last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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