i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Never joke about your clitoris.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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