yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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