Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
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Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize