I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
