I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
