my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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