I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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