Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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