So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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