His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
