I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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