There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
