I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
