ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
