need another drink. this is the easiest way
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
