once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
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I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize