I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
