Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
