we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
