So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
