You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
