The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.