Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
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What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
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What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"