It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just want to make out with him forever
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
