Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
