Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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