How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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