My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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