What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
