ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
