Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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