so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
