Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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