im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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