He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
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I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
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I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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