I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
