So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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