there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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