I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
