how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
