There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
