I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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