My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
