I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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