could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
