I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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