I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
there is glitter all over my balls
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
