just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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