when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just threw up on my dentist
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
