Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize