peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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