I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
